Miss you...

Today 4 years ago our family was hit pretty hard...my step dad Rick passed away. I can't even believe I just typed that it's been 4 years!! Truthfully it seems like yesterday I received the news that my step dad Rick took his life. It was to date, the one of the hardest days of my life. Probably because it was so unexpected and also because I never got to say goodbye.

I remember our last conversation I had with him, which was a couple of days before I left for Jacksonville, FL on a business trip. He LOVED Sonic and we had always seen commercials for them and he didn't know where one was around us. I remember I was driving home from work and I saw a Sonic in Fullerton, so I called him up and said "Rick! I found one!!!"...and that was the last thing I said to him. I'll never forget the feeling I had when Mike called me to let me know the news. Like I said it was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Probably because suicide makes you feel so helpless and ask so many unanswered questions. I remember I couldn't even get home until the next afternoon, which meant I had be by myself until the next morning. Luckily for me I work with some amazing friends. My friends Haley and Jay stayed with me most of the night and then Jay flew with me half way home so I didn't have to fly by myself. I still can not thank Jay enough for being there for me when I really needed a friend.

Rick was an AMAZING man. He was a great husband, dad and most of all to me a great stepdad. Rick looked at Lauren and I like his own daughters and loved us both so much. Rick and I shared a special bond, our love for Angels baseball. For my 22nd birthday, Rick bought Game 7 World Series tickets Angels vs. Giants (which happened to be ON my actual birthday) and as you know Angels won!!! We had such a great time and I'll never forget that day.

When Mike proposed it was my 26th birthday, he gave me this framed picture/ticket for my present.

As a family we took so many amazing family vacations. We went to Hawaii, Australia, a Cruise to the Carribean, tons of trips to the mountains. Our last family vacation was a trip to Mammoth. Of course we had a great time as we always did.

We took this cruise to celebrate Lauren's college graduation

The same year Rick passed away was the same year Mike asked me to marry him. It was super hard because I has wished so much for Rick to be there for that special day. Because to me I had two dad's, Mike had talked to Rick months before about asking to marry me and gave his blessing. I can't even express how much that meant to me that Mike had asked Rick and that Rick knew before he passed that Mike would be there to take care of me. Of course my wedding day was really really hard because I had wanted him to be there to walk me down the aisle along with my dad. But I remember when I came out of the hotel to get into the limo to take me to Muckenthaler Mansion I heard THE song that reminded me so much of Rick playing over the lobby speakers. It was "Calling All Angels" by Train. That song is played at the opening of every home Angel game and was a song we played at Ricks funeral. It's like he was there with me on my wedding day! It was sad but calming in the same sense. I had a lot of sadness about Rick not being there that day, but it was like God's way of telling me that be He and Rick were looking down on me that day.

Our wedding day. Every wedding anniversary of my mom and Rick's, Rick would give my mom white roses and then red roses with the number of years they were celebrating. We did that for the wedding to honor him.

I made a promise to myself that I would do something good dispite this terrible loss. So I found this organization called American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and they have yearly walks to raise awareness called "Out of the Darkness". I've participated with my mom in 2006 and 2007, last year I couldn't cause I was pregnant and not feeling well. But I plan to do it again this year, maybe this time with Jude.

Of course there are so many life events I wish Rick were here to be apart of. It makes me so sad that Jude will never know the person "Grandpa Rick", but I promise I will do my darnest to make sure Jude knows what a great man he was. I promise to teach him all the funny and quirky things Rick LOVED and used to do. I think about Rick a lot. Sometimes I even think I see him walking around, but what I wish the most is that I could have just hugged him and said goodbye. I know it wouldn't have made it any easier, but maybe I would have a sense of closure. Who knows. Either way, Rick was a great man and a great dad and I can't wait to see him one day again.

I love you Rick.

August 19, 1962 - March 1, 2006